Keep Your Ears Warm

Late February hits differently. The cozy anticipation of the holidays is long gone.
Now when I step outside, the wind feels like the mean kid on the playground.

The routine of bundling myself and the dog against the elements has lost all purpose beyond sheer practicality. This is no longer a winter wonderland. Every walk has become a mission.

Gone are the long moments staring up dreamily at drifting snowflakes. The amusement at the white puff of my breath visible in the dark night air.

Yes — I’ve lost that loving feeling.

Duties remain, though. The dog (and my wife) require their daily promenade. So, we do the whole routine: coat with the collar turned up, gloves, boots.

The signature butch haircut introduces two additional vulnerabilities.
I almost always need a scarf to guard my bare neck against the blasts of cold air sneaking down my collar. And my ears feel frozen before I get to the end of the sidewalk.

The real issue, though, is my pompadour.
Priorities remain, fellas, even at the bottom of February.

I could easily pull on a cute beanie hat to protect my little earlobes. But a hat is a full commitment. Once you’ve smashed a proud pompadour under a hat, there is no recovery.

Hat hair is not my butch aesthetic. Standards are standards.

Enter the humble ear warmer.

I know.
Hear me out.

They are unapologetically unattractive. More importantly though, they are extremely effective at tackling two separate tasks: warm ears and uncompromised hair.

These blessed little fleece circles manage to provide just the right amount of warmth exactly where it’s needed.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
That’s precision.

The highest calling of the ear warmer, however, is the way it supports my primary goal in life: keeping my hair as high as possible.

This butch has but one vanity.
Beautiful hair.

I will willingly sacrifice fashion on the altar of practicality every single day of my life if it is for the benefit of my glorious pomp.

Like all good tools, the ear warmer is here to do a job. But it is not a Swiss Army knife.
It has one mission: warm ears.
It succeeds in that mission in a way no hat could dream of — it doesn’t ruin the Hair just to keep me warm.

This is why the ear warmer has earned my undying and unrepentant devotion.

Yes, they are ugly.
But you know who is looking at my ear warmer?
No one.
Not when my Hair catches a February gust and holds its aerosol-induced perfect form with barely a shiver.

Warm ears.
Perfect Hair.
Everything as it should be.